In early summer 2008, my sweet daughter Julie was almost hitting rock bottom with her eating disorder. Not quite - that came in late summer - early fall. But it was pretty bad and sad and scary (actually, really terrifying).

In June 2008, I had lunch with my good friend, Rabbi Mark Staitman - actually a graduate of our MS in Counseling Psychology program, and currently (and then) employed by Gateway Rehabilitation Center. I am certain that I looked exhausted, sad, and distracted. Mark listened, for the five millionth time, to my descriptions of waking up in the middle of the night in a terror-filled panic, heart beating unmercifully fast with fearful thoughts of losing Julie playing over and over in my mind. And Mark said to me (probably for the five millionth time, but this is the only time I really "heard" it).... "Get thee to a 12 Step program" or something like that. Really? How could that help me?

I had tried to turn Julie on to 12 Step ideas many times - to help her get better - they made sense to me... for her. Her eating disorder felt like an addiction to me. I had never considered how the principles and values might help me - I wasn't the one with the problem.

But this time I listened to Mark. I didn't go right away (it sometimes takes me awhile to "get it"), but finally did, on August 4, 2008. And, thankfully, in AL-ANON I learned how to get out of Julie's way to let her figure things out for herself, and how to figure out my own role in the whole scene.

I won't bore you with the details of my role, except to tell you that I had often repeated to my friends and family (and believed that this was a virtuous statement!) that I could only be as happy as my least happy child. Think about that for a minute. I can imagine that most moms out there believe this at least part of the time. When any one of our kids is in pain, we feel it. We carry a heaviness in our heart and nagging and piercing worries in our minds throughout the long days and nights when things aren't right. At least, lots of my mom friends have admitted to this.

But surprise! Julie finally found the courage to tell me that this kind of thinking really really hurt her - it made her feel responsible for my happiness and guilty that she was contributing to my pain - heavy feelings that she should not have to add to her already weighty burden. And, thankfully, AL-ANON principles also put me in my place. I really needed to back off and let Julie find her own way. Yes, I could continue to step in when serious physical consequences were looming. But day to day, I needed to step back and to do some much-needed work on myself.

Man, was this hard. It went against every grain of what constituted, for me, being a good mom. At the very least, a mother should be able to nourish her child, feed her, so that she could grow and become strong. It went against my commitment, from the first moment of my first pregnancy, to be there for my children and to give them whatever they needed. But I did it.

Coincidentally (maybe, maybe not), once I got out of Julie's way, she could begin to think for herself. She did hit bottom in late summer - early fall, but then began the slow climb upward until she reached a beautiful plateau of health and happiness.

I am not necessarily a "good" AL-ANON member - I haven't formally worked all of the 12 Steps - I rarely attend meetings! And that Fourth Step - "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves" - keeps beckoning with its scary bright neon light ahead of me. But I have had the privilege of hearing wisdom from many many lovely people who have indeed walked the talk. And I have gathered the wherewithal to shut up and listen.

AL-ANON is an amazing group of people. The program is a deeply spiritual one, and creates one of the few spaces in the world (at least in my experience) where education, religious affiliation (or non-affiliation), social class, financial status, race, gender, ethnicity, and so on don't matter one whit. The meetings that I attend with my home group are not characterized by comparisons or judgments, evaluations or criticisms. There is acceptance. There is much to be learned from life itself. For someone used to holding forth in the classroom, like "a sage on the stage" with all of my book-learning, this is both humbling and liberating. 

So I found a place where I could think about and even, if brave, share the pain of feeling helpless and terrified, shamed because I, with my training and background, was in reality ill-equipped to help my own daughter in the ways that she needed to be helped. I could drink in and, if brave, serve a little out, of hard lessons learned and courage to get back up for the day even when our loved one is sick and struggling.

In December, during the end-of-year holiday season, my home group celebrates with a pot-luck dinner and a sharing of "gifts of the season." Each person is randomly given some gift from the program that she can hang on to and think about during the coming year. I used the word "randomly" because what we do is just go up front and select something from a pile of notes or ornaments, without looking first. Somehow, it doesn't always feel so random. Last year, I got a tiny angel ornament that had the words "taking risks" tied to it.

Whoa. Risks? Not for me. But my angel sits on my desk next to the computer and daily reminds me of what I can do to live more deeply and authentically, to learn to use what gifts I have been given for the good of others. So during the last year, I found the courage to build my web-site and start this blog, to participate in the March for Blair Mountain and the Occupy Pittsburgh movement, to actively go out and meet new people and learn what I could from them - then to share that learning with others. All of these activities were, and still sometimes are, just a tad out of my comfort zone.

Last week, I got my new "gift of the season" - the word "compassion." Hummph. I pride myself on my compassion (yes, I see the irony in that statement). I guess during this next year (and beyond), I am to learn how to take my heart from its regular size to a larger one, just a little more roomy and forgiving and welcoming and loving. Or in Dr. Seuss' inimitable words.... I will become like the Grinch.

             ...the Grinch's small heart Grew three sizes that day! 
            The minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight, 
            he whizzed through his load through the bright morning light.

What does this all have to do with my blog theme - sustainable health and well-being? It is about being our best selves with one another and, in so doing, helping to make the world a little better place for all.

I look forward to a whizzy and light and heart-ful year this year! And I wish one for you!

PS Thank you, dear Mark.
             

Who taught you to be kind? How did you learn? Where?

I am struck by these questions as I read and hear the mean things - just plain mean and hateful and divisive and spiteful - that come from the mouths of our leaders and leader - wannabes.

Here is what I remember about learning about kindness. I am really interested in your own journey - so let us know!

There were so many examples of kindness in my life growing up - parents, grandparents, teachers, neighbors. I saw kindness, felt kindness, and heard about kindness. There was a strongly verbalized expectation that we behave and not hurt others, that we be respectful. Granted, the learning was often reinforced through spanking or other punishment - which always confused me, even way back then. But we were NOT to make fun of others, especially those less fortunate than we were. We were expected to be grateful for what we had, for our lot in life. We were not to be mean to one another - can you believe that we would be grounded for saying mean things to a brother or sister? For calling someone "stupid" or telling someone to "shut up"?

I read voraciously as a child - and still do - hence my greediness in owning an iPAD and a Kindle and hundreds of books. Many stories stayed with me as examples of kindness - as other models of how to be a good person. Just a few (some of which may be familiar to you) - The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew, Little Women, Elsie Dinsmore, A Wrinkle in Time, even Nancy Drew.  We had Brownies and Girl Scouts who very explicitly promoted good citizenship. We had Sunday School and church that also taught goodness. Lots of examples in words, deed, and actions.

And yet. It wasn't that simple. There was racism, classism, sexism, hetero-sexism, anti-other-religions-not-like-ours implicit in most of those lessons - invisible but present and easily absorbed without even recognizing it. Even words and deeds of respected and loved adults often held confusing contradictions.

But we keep trying, don't we? Most of us?

There are theories in psychology (of course, we love to make up theories!) about stages of the development of compassion/faith/belief. At earlier stages, usually associated with very little kids, we see the world as black and white/good and bad - people are either totally good or totally bad - nothing in-between. At earlier stages, also, kids behave well to avoid punishment. As we mature, we begin to recognize that there are other advantages to "doing good" - to being kind - than just avoiding punishment - we develop empathy and understand what it is like to hurt, ourselves, when someone is mean to us, and we then try not to do that to others. 

We begin to think outside of ourselves a little, outside of our own families and communities as we become more aware of the larger world, and begin to ask questions - about evil, about differences between cultures and traditions, about the inconsistencies in our own. As adolescents, we sometimes turn our backs on the traditions in which we were raised, and try to find our own path - sometimes coming back to the original one in the end and sometime forging a new one. 

Then we grow up even more. James Fowler, a psychologist, calls the final stage of faith development the "Universalizing Stage" - in which one has the sense of an ultimate environment that is inclusive of all beings - there are no divisions between people based on religious traditions, race, ethnicity, nationality. There is one-ness - and faith is geared toward compassion and forgiveness.

People often associated with this final stage of development are Martin Luther King, Jesus Christ, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and, I always add - Fred Rogers - and I am certain that there are figures from many other traditions who could also be added.

Often these stages are described in relation to chronological age - but you know what? I have known 6 year olds who think in a Universalizing way - and I have known 50 year olds who are stuck back in the concrete black and white stage, who are very me-focused, rigid, judgmental. Haven't you?

So what is so discouraging in the news to me recently is seeing examples of grown-ups saying mean, disrespectful, hateful words, particularly about vulnerable people - poor, old, very young, disenfranchised, sick, unemployed. (Guess I should also ask the question - where do we learn to be mean? how does this happen?) 

There is a whole mass of people out there - at both ends of the political spectrum - who are becoming sick, sad, and angry about this kind of talk. Check out Jim Wallis' recent blog for some thoughts about this.

We elect our representatives to act as public servants - to speak for all of us, not just some of us. Government in a democracy is not supposed to be like a football game, where the desire is to "crush the other side" (see Grover Norquist's 60 Minutes Interview as just one example of this "crush your opponent" mentality). It is supposed to be an institution or process through which we learn to live together in the best, most fair, and most just ways that we can.

I yearn for words and ideas and actions that raise us up, that encourage us to be our best selves and, in being our best selves, make the world a better place for all. I hunger for inspiration. My dad just finished reading That Used to be Us, by Thomas Friedman and and Michael Mandelbaum - Dad said that these guys suggest that our two party system needs to be shaken up by the addition of one person who cares less about winning or crushing the other side than about speaking the truth. Interesting idea. And I am sure the next question is, "Whose truth?" Are there universal truths? I know that some of us believe that there are. 

I return to my original questions - where did you learn to be kind? how did you learn to love? can we put a little more of that out there? can we spread it around?